


Reassurance

by Fiona James (Bluewolf458)



Category: Star Trek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-24
Updated: 2017-06-24
Packaged: 2018-11-18 09:24:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11288376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluewolf458/pseuds/Fiona%20James
Summary: Kirk is jealous...





	Reassurance

**Author's Note:**

> First appeared in Mirror Reflections. In earlier stories in the zine Spock had slept with several women, and Kirk was far from happy about it...
> 
> In the zine, the poem was printed before the story; here, I chose to put the story, short though it is, before the poem.

Reassurance  
  
by Jessie Patterson  
  
aka Fiona James  
  


  
  
Kirk's door was locked against Spock's voice.  
  
The Vulcan knew that his Captain - his bondmate - was inside; the bond, even first level and shallow, let him know exactly where Kirk was and what he was doing; he was sitting at his desk, shoulders bent as if under an intolerable weight. Spock's senses, no longer dulled by the physical input of satisfying lust, could now easily detect Kirk's hurt and identify it as Kirk's rather than his own reaction to Kirk's lack of understanding.    Hurt - and yes, fear. Fear that Spock was tired of him, would walk away as everyone else seemed to have done.  
  
For a moment Spock was puzzled.    He knew well enough that it was Kirk who had terminated most of his affairs. Then the Human's introspective brooding gave him the answer. Kirk had ended his affairs, even the few that had meant anything to him, as soon as the first wild rapture was over, out of the certainty that if he did not, he would be jilted. Spock was the only partner with whom he had taken a chance of permanency, and now he sat miserably castigating his stupidity in even thinking that he could trust anyone, even the Vulcan who had proved several times over that he was loyal... and mourning the friendship he had lost in his hunger for more.  
  
_But you rejected me!_ Spock thought. _I wanted you, and you moved away!_  
  
As Spock had intended, Kirk picked up the thought without realising its source. _Why didn't you understand, Spock?_ Kirk thought. _I wanted - I needed you to prove you wanted me in spite of what I said. Oh God - what can I do?_  
  
Spock knew that this despair would not last long. Despite the insecurity that he hid so well, it was not in Kirk's nature to surrender to it for more than an hour or two, overwhelming though it seemed to be. And he knew that if he did not act immediately he would lose his Human, bonded though they were. Kirk's mind was strong enough to reject a first level bond, once he had made up his mind to do so.  
  
The Vulcan thought for a moment. Kirk had cancelled his bondmate's voice print, but it was unlikely that he had cancelled McCoy's. If he did, the surgeon had the right to declare the Captain psychologically unfit, and Spock knew that Kirk would not risk that.  
  
He smiled then. Time to utilise an ability that nobody suspected he possessed. Deliberately he pressed the lock button and said, "McCoy." The imitation was perfect. The door slid open and Spock entered before Kirk could even look up. Then as the door shut again, Spock activated the 'Do not disturb' sign.  
  
"Get out!" Kirk snapped, his face a hostile mask - but Spock could still feel the underlying and contradictory appeal. _Call my bluff, Spock - please!_  
  
He would be delighted to oblige.  
  
Kirk looked startled at Spock's unhesitating approach. The Vulcan gripped Kirk's arms with bruising strength and pulled him close, his mouth closing demandingly over Kirk's resolutely shut lips.  
  
The Human stood stiffly unresponsive for some seconds, then as Spock's tongue continued to demand admittance, he slowly allowed his mouth to open. Spock's tongue explored thoroughly, almost ruthlessly, until Kirk's body relaxed, surrendering to the demanding embrace. Spock's hands moved then, caressing the tension-tight muscles of Kirk's back until they too loosened; then, keeping one arm round his bondmate, Spock unfastened Kirk's clothes. He released him then, and stripped the clothes off him, before swinging him up in his arms and carrying him to the bed. He lowered Kirk onto the yielding surface then stood, tearing open the fastenings of his own clothes.  
  
Kirk watched, his eyes reflecting hope that even yet warred with the fear of betrayal. Spock lay beside his bondmate and gathered him close again, once more taking arrogant possession of his mouth with a passionate forcefulness that would not be denied.  
  
At last he raised his head, and looked down at the Human's hungry expression. "Foolish," he murmured softly. "Oh, Jim, so foolish - to suffer so needlessly. Women mean nothing to a Warrior - I have told you that so often. The person who commands our fidelity is our soul brother, our shieldmate. Physical release means nothing when accomplished with a woman; our hearts are uninvolved. I used her for temporary release because I could not have you, Jim - that was all. She was available, she was willing - kaiidth, she was more than willing! But - although I know she enjoyed it, I took; I did not give her a fraction of the pleasure it is my joy to give to you. And although I enjoyed her, she did not give me a fraction of the pleasure you give to me, my bondmate. I was only - in your own words - 'getting my rocks off'." He kissed the closed eyes gently.  
  
Kirk said nothing, and Spock realised that it was because he dared not. If he had opened his mouth he would have broken down completely and he still fought against such complete relaxation of his barriers.  
  
"I don't ask for forgiveness, Jim, for I told you that by the Warrior code, we could both have as many women as we wanted at any time, and I don't feel that I did anything wrong. But I do regret hurting you."  
  
"Is what I give you not enough?" Kirk managed.  
  
"What you give me is perfection," Spock told him. "But... the habits of a lifetime die hard. I have become accustomed to indulging myself - as I know you did - and I honestly do not know if I can stop doing so, even for you. And I'm not trying to stop you from doing the same."  
  
"But I don't want to," Kirk said tightly. His voice cracked on the last word.  
  
Spock tightened his grip. His mouth found a nipple and lipped it into erection while his fingers teased the other one erect as well. Kirk moaned softly as the Vulcan worked over him, coaxing him into quivering need. Spock was frightened by the implications of that statement, and sought to lessen its impact by passionate loving.  
  
At last Spock drew the head of Kirk's hungry penis into his mouth, sucking hard. He brought the Human to the verge of climax then abruptly released him. Kirk gasped. "Spock, please!" His hips moved convulsively. Spock straddled him and, positioning himself carefully, sank down, taking Kirk into himself. Kirk cried out, a wordless, ecstatic near scream, his hips thrusting uncontrollably, driving himself into Spock, withdrawing slightly only to thrust fiercely into him again. He was sure he must be hurting his bondmate, but his control was non-existent. Climax came in seconds.  
  
Slowly sanity returned and he realised that Spock, too, had climaxed, his semen pooled on Kirk's stomach. After a moment Spock pushed himself upright without pulling away from the impaling penis, and began to massage the spilled semen into Kirk's skin.  
  
Kirk watched him for a moment then raised his eyes to the dark ones watching him so intently. Spock smiled, and the Human smiled tremulously back.  
  
"This," Spock said categorically, "is the only true satisfaction." Kirk gave no answer. But at least he appeared to have got over his jealousy.  
  
At heart, Spock knew that the problem had not been solved. It would have to be considered at some later date.  
  
By then, perhaps, he would have an answer.  
  


  
***  
  
  
The Past - and the Present

  
  
How could you, Spock. How could you?  
'A randy bastard' - yes, I called you that -  
Forgetting my own promiscuous behaviour  
(But that was in the past).  
Women... how can they understand  
The things that motivate a man,  
The things he feels important in his life,  
The things that truly please him?  
Women are there only to be used  
And then discarded, if a man so wishes.  
I took my pleasure with so many women  
Since I became a man. Sam's girl friend June -  
So willing to instruct my inexperience,  
So willing to accommodate us both.  
She taught me young the basic infidelity  
Of her sex. I was thirteen.  
She was the first of many -  
Though not at once... no, not at once.  
Ruth... beautiful, heartless Ruth...  
Accomplished flirt - accomplished lover -  
Accomplished _liar_! After her  
I took whatever women had to offer  
And easily seduced the few  
Who acted 'hard to get'. I had learned  
Not to trust women, and I took them freely, but  
I never gave myself again, although  
I found it easy to pretend I did. Within a year  
I had lost count of all the women I had 'known'...  
In the years since  
So many more... Names? I remember two or three -  
But my heart remained untouched  
Even by them. Yes, I know well  
How little women mean to any man...  
Then you came, Spock... you came...  
And I found love... I thought I had found love.  
But you - today -  
My reason tells me that I need not worry;  
(You said a woman was no threat to the bond)  
My heart says otherwise. Is it not enough,  
The love I offer you?  
Before, fidelity was just a word -  
A meaningless word. Now I want no-one else.  
I need you, Spock. I need to know  
That you need me. Come to me, Spock.  
Please. Come to me. I need you.  
When I moved away  
You should have followed, forced me -  
And, forcing, reassured me. I need you.  
Spock -  
             I... love you!  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> 'Jessie Patterson' was another pen name I used only once. The zine editor wanted to hide the fact that most of the contributors had submitted more than one story, so we used different pen names for second and/or third ones.


End file.
